Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time

Watching my favorite rock stars embarass themselves on bad reality TV shows is totally and completely heartbreaking for me. One or two have been known to surprise me with some decent episodes, but overall, that shit is a god damn train wreck. And here comes another rock star to destroy almost every good and decent image I ever had of him.

When I heard Bret Michaels was going to have his own Flavor Flav inspired VH1 dating game, Rock of Love, my heart just sank into the deepest depths of my already ulcer filled stomach. It is a sad fucking day in Rock 'N Roll when Bret Michaels has to have a TV show to get laid. He's Bret Fucking Michaels for crying out loud! If he needs a TV show to find a girl, then he needs to hang it up and crawl into his coffin now.

Yes, of course I watched the show. When I saw the promo commercials for it on VH1 and Bret blurted out those words that made me throw up a little, "Will you stay here and rock my world?" I immediately knew this show was going to be the most glorious train wreck I'd ever witnessed. (Side Note: What kind of a cheese dick line is that? He's Bret Fucking Michaels! I know he's got better game than that! How much money did it take VH1 to convince him to utter such a ridiculous line?)

And from the very second it premiered, it was one of the most historical reality show train wrecks ever. The casting directors should all be blind folded and shot execution style for picking some of those girls. You're trying to find "true love" for Bret Fucking Michaels for fuck's sake! You can't just cast any stupid whore you find on the Sunset Strip; he wouldn't need VH1's help to do that because I'm sure he's been doing that for years.

More than a few of those girls looked like they'd hit a brick wall going about 100mph, and were more stupider than the incorrect grammar that I just spit out in this sentence. Needless to say, this cluster fuck of bleach blonde, plastic, "I'm in love with Bret Michaels" bimbos left a lot to be desired. If I were Bret, I would have walked out the second I laid eyes on those girls...or I would have eliminated 90% percent of them immediately.

Surprisingly, Bret didn't come off looking like an idiot. Do I think he's an idiot for doing the show? Yes, even though I'm sure it helped his career and he made tons of loot. Did he act like an idiot? Well...aside from saying his infamous line every week and wearing a couple of horendous outfits, I don't really think so. Am I more positive than ever that he rocks a wig? Yes, without a doubt. You're not fooling anybody Bret.

Bret's choice in women was also a pleasent surprise. The last few girls left standing were actually pretty cool, minus Lacey of course. Sam, Brandi, Heather, and Jess seemed relatively decent, smart, and seemed to have a good head on their shoulders. One point to Bret Michael's for not just picking bimbos. OK wait...Heather is dumb for getting Bret's name tattooed on her, but other than that, she looks like she's a lot of fun.

In the end, it was the adorable Jess who won Bret's heart because she was smart enough to realize that answering yes to letting Bret keep them both would be the end of her. It seemed like the perfect fit...or at least the last minute of the show lead you to believe that Bret had really found true love. Not so much.

Cut to...the Rock of Love Reunion Show. VH1 brought all the girls back and brought Riki Rachtman back from the dead to host it. I don't know what happened to Riki after Headbanger's Ball, but I do remember him being a better host back then. During the reunion show, it felt like his lines were fed to him and his delivery was over the top cheesy. And I'm also surprised VH1 selected Riki to host since I'm pretty sure he's on record saying that when he hosted Headbanger's Ball, he was embarassed when he had to interview bands like Poison since the show was supposed to be about heavy metal.

But Riki's hosting wasn't the worst part of the reunion show by any means. That title was left to the coniving bitch herself, Lacey. They actually gave her band, Nocturne, air time to perform a really horrible song. The band was actually pretty decent, but Lacey's voice sounded like squeaky garbage. She also tried to act super sexy and kept rubbing her hands all over herself as if she was trying to draw attention to her tits and away from her voice. Unfortunately, it didn't work.

Then finally...Bret and Jess were reunited after being apart for six months. From the very instant she greeted Bret, you could tell that she just wasn't that into him. She confirmed my hypothesis when she kept telling Bret that he should have picked Heather.

So now Rock of Love is over, and my Sunday nights will no longer be quite as enteretaining. Rumor has it that there are talks for another show...I don't know if I can handle it.

I'm pleading to you Bret Michaels...don't do it. For the love of god and everything holy, please don't do it. You're Bret Fucking Michaels! You don't need a TV show to find love. Just stop looking for love in titty bars and backstage, and maybe then you'll have better luck.