Sunday, February 10, 2008

HAPPY F-ING VALENTINE'S DAY

Ahhh...Valentine's Day. A day to celebrate the magical love between two people. Personally, I think it's all a bunch of B.S. created by greeting card companies, but some people really do take this day seriously. So in honor of those peeps who feel the need to pick one day out the entire year to show their significant other that they love them, I have concocted a list of fine gifts for that special rock 'n roller in your life.

1. Vino Anyone? - Some people wouldn't think that your typical rock 'n roll lover would be sophisticated enough to enjoy a good glass of wine. Oh contraire! Check out Vince Vineyards, a wine made by the one and only Vince Neil of Motley Crue. You have your choice of his 2003 Napa Cabernet Sauvignon and a 2003 Sonoma Chardonnay. Both can be purchased at http://www.vinesse.com/. I attempted to go the Vince Vineyards website, http://www.vincevineyards.com/, but unfortunately, it was not working. Maybe he got too drunk and forgot to pay the bill to renew his website. Regardless, wine always makes a great gift, so why not give your sweetie the gift of Vince Vineyards wines. What could be more romantic than curling up next to a fire with your love and a glass of wine with "Girl Don't Go Away Mad...Girl Just Go Away" playing softly in the background?



2. Who Wouldn't Want To Wear Nikki Sixx? - I know I would. I'd wear Nikki Sixx all over me all the time if I could. Unfortunately, to the dismay of millions of women everywhere, it's impossible to wear him, so why not just wear his clothes? Ladies, how excited would you be if your man came home dressed like Nikki Sixx? Sticking with the Motley Crue theme, I found Nikki Sixx's new clothing line venture with Kelly Gray, Royal Underground. It's high end, rock 'n roll inspired clothing for men and women. Nikki is a pretty snazzy dresser, so you know these clothes are all very stylish, but edgey enough to wear on stage at your next gig. The line can currently be found select Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales, Nordstrom, and other specialty stores. They also have a unisex jewelry line that is tough enough for a man, but sexy enough for a woman. And don't forget to buy The Heroin Diaries or the new Sixx A.M. CD!!!!!!!!

3. Woo! That's HOT!!! - If food is the way to your lover's heart, then set it on fire with Joe Perry's "Rock Your World" hot sauce. I'm not a hot sauce coneseiure, but from the reviews I've read, it's pretty kick ass. If you're looking for straight up hot, then try out Mr. Perry's Boneyard Brew with its blend of red Habenero peppers, garlic, onions, lime juice, red bell peppers, and Chipotle peppers. If you need your hot sauce with a little side of fruit, then the Mango Peach Tango sauce may be more your style. It contains peach, mango, bell pepper, lime juice, onion, garlic, and Habanero. These hot sauces may be as hot as Joe Perry himself! Be nice and get your lover the set at http://www.gourmetmikes.com/.


4. What's Hotter Than A Gun Rack? - Maybe your baby cakes like to go to the woods and kill Bambi. When he (or she as the case may be) brings home a dead carcass in the back of his pick-up truck, greet him with a special book that will make that carcass taste so you good you'll forget that he killed it: Kill It and Grill It: Ted and Shemane Nugent's Guide to Preparing & Cooking Wild Game and Fish. Uncle Ted and his wife fill this book with instructions on how to clean and cook your game along with "colorful" hunting stories to keep you entertained while you're cooking. This is not Martha Stewart's cookbook. If you're easily offended, this may not be the cookbook for you. Although...if you are easily offended, then you'd have no business listening to or reading Ted Nugent. Go to http://www.amazon.com/ to buy the cookbook or one of Sweaty Teddy's many other highly entertaining books.



5. Tommy & Pam Got Nuthin' On Them - Perhaps wine and food are a little too bland and boring for you. Need something to spice up the bedroom? Get in touch with your naughty side and get some porno! I'm not talking about Tommy Lee & Pamela Anderson's sex tape (because that was WAY overrated...the movie, not Tommy's 3rd leg). Check out Tera Patrick and her hubby, Evan Seinfeld (of Biohazard and Super Group fame), get down and dirty in one of Tera's many adult movies. Let's face it, Tera's freaking hot. As much as I love tattooed rock stars, Evan's not my first choice of tattooed rock stars to see naked. However, it's nice to see a married couple enjoying themselves (and others) and being open and trying new things (and new people). At least their relationship is healthy enough to handle that stuff. Maybe after some of Vince Neil's wine, some dead deer covered in Joe Perry's hot sauce, and little Tera Patrick on the side, you and your lover will be ready to try something new and hot. Get her full collection at http://www.terapatrick.com/.



6. Book Report - Got a love bug who's a book worm? If your lover's idea of foreplay consists of some brain stimulation, then have I got a great book for you! Wrap your brain around the autobiography of one the greatest guitarists in rock: Slash. Learn about all the drinking, drugging, sexing, fighting, and rocking that Slash lived to tell about. Honestly, I'm surprised that he was able to live through years of dealing with Axl Rose. Delve into his world and live the life of a rock star if only for a moment. Pick it up at your local book store or http://www.amazon.com/


6. Don't Believe The Hype - Gentleman, this isn't something that you can buy. Instead, I'm giving you a tip that may save your relationship. No matter how much she tells you that she thinks Valentine's Day is stupid and pointless, you should still get her something. Even if she tells you not to waste your money on some stupid, pointless gift, she doesn't really mean it. I too think Valentine's Day is dumb, but if my man didn't at the very least wish me a Happy Valentine's Day, I would be one pissed off lady. We just need you to acknowledge it, that's all. Don't go wasting a ton of money, but at least buy her a card. Maybe on your way home, you can stop at the gas station and buy her a gas station rose. Whatever you do, make sure you let her know how fantastic she is and that she's the only girl for you (although you should be doing that daily).


If you really must celebrate this holiday to its fullest, don't go buy lame ass flowers or chocolates or stuffed animals! You now have the ultimate rock 'n roll list of cool things to buy!

1 comment:

Jay Amabile said...

great article! I read the slash book and it was awesome.